My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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