I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
