He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
