Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
