She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You took a bar mat shot.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize