He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
