the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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