My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
