When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
