I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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