I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
