Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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