Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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