Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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