I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
