So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
