I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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