my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
