We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
