dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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