Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
