New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
