Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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