I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
