So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
