dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So much rum. So many feels.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
