what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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