I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
