dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
