Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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