Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
