his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
