R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
