when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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