If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
