I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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