Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
