Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
