there was a trapeze. enough said
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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