Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
