im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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