So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
