he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize