All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
