it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have already put on my inside pants.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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