I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
