you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
