Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
