If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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