What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
