How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
