Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
