Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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