we have pet lesbian snakes
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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