highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
