I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
