pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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