my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
