I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
