I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
