I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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