Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
