Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
