you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
