I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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