how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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