I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
